Today I am 28 years, 5 months, 20 days, 20 hours, 53 minutes, 10..11..12..13..14..15 seconds and counting, old. As best as I can figure from the life I have lived so far I should have a full time+ job that pays 5 to 6 figures, making payments on a small to moderately-sized house with my husband, have a munchkin and a half, pay my societal dues, yadda yadda yadda. I can’t tell you where my expectation comes from. If I could people probably wouldn’t take the things I say so personally…then again maybe they would. We’re all selfish beings her.
Today started like almost every other day the past few weeks. Wake up, hate self (check), mope around contemplating your existence and wtf it is you’re doing with your life, binge watch season 7 of OITNB (Orange is the New Black for the uninitiated) on Netflix, eat, play games, sleep. Take away the depressing parts and I’m sure that’s a dream come true for a lot of people. Un/fortunately I’m not most people.
The only difference today was I had a meeting scheduled with my drama professor to set up my fall semester schedule. I as always expected the worst and as is usually the case, my expectations were subverted. I won’t go into many details but I will say it left me feeling better than I had before the meeting.
I could try to explain why by I don’t know you like that yet internet, so I’ll keep that part to myself. But that meeting followed by watching the series finale of OITNB, eating a big ass salad followed by a power nap has left me more clear headed than I can clearly remember.
Thus explains this here blog. I am what people would probably consider to be an introvert, but I’m probably a little biased. That being said, I’ll say I’ve spent more time with myself that I have around other people. And what is it people are always saying…write what you know? I should know me better than most people but I get the feeling that people see right through me half the time and I end up so deep in my own mind that I get lost on the way to find what I was looking for. Much like when you walk into the other room to grab that thing but as soon as you enter the doorway you find yourself standing in that room forgetting what it is you went in there for in the first place.
I know, I know. I’m terrible at getting to the point. I get distracted and off course, my mind is constantly throwing things in my minds eye, and I have no idea why. But that’s why I’m calling this blog “Dear Me;.” These are basically conversations with myself except on the internet, so I’m validated now, right?
I’m no stranger to social media but blogging is a whole new territory for me. I don’t think anyone will read this and if they do I’m imagining the worst receptions, but another long-winded reason for doing this, blog that is, is that I’m tired of living in the past. This is my way of trying to move forward with my life. I’ve been running on empty, turning over past mistakes, past abuses, wondering why I never felt loved as a child, wallowing in some ocean of self-pity with no land in sight. But I’ve finally washed ashore.
I am looking towards the present and the future as a sort of way out of this hideous past of mine, a way to grow and live with my demons. Looking to the future is daunting. I see many growing pains ahead of me, but in a good way, you know? If I keep living on memories past then I will slowly rot away my existence and push the last of my loved ones away. Sure, it won’t be easy, but I pray to God for the strength and will to take things in stride.
One day at a time, my loves. Only God knows what tomorrow will bring.